While I’d prefer a couple more decades, death doesn’t really phase me. The painful drugged up bit concerns me a little, but on the whole it’s always been an inevitable outcome of living.
Tonight’s scan got me though. My new pain in my lower back made it very difficult to lie down on the scanner. To the point where I was in distress for the duration of the scan. Not good and suddenly the thought that it maybe isn’t just the strain I thought it was.
If it is cancer, the chemotherapy ends. If the trials don’t want me, I’m reduced to pain relief. It’s quite possible that today’s imaging will lead to journey end. That would be disappointing to say the least.
There remains the possibility that’s it’s some sort of strain or knock. My track record in recent months isn’t great though. If I fear cancer cells, it seems I’m often right before the medics confirm things.
Tonight, my thinking is a little flat. I wish it wasn’t.