Almost a year ago I used these pages to discuss what I called “The God Question”.
My status as an agnostic unwavering in the face of terminal lung cancer. Or rather not ruffled enough to make me an outright non-believer.
As the months have passed I think it’s fair to say that view hasn’t changed. I can no more prove the existence of a supreme being than disprove it.
As each drug has failed I’ve not exactly been enamoured to the possibility of meeting a maker I’m not sure exists. Perhaps those of faith would argue that those drugs gave me opportunity to experience so much. But equally, I could argue back, others on the planet without access to those drugs haven’t exactly been given the support of a loving God.
I did lie alone in bed one night soon after I’d been diagnosed and asked somebody out there to make my relationship with Rachel a special one. The positive response to that request certainly supports the element of doubt an agnostic proclaims. But we are so well matched I suspect what happened between us would have happened anyway.
The disease has hit my family hard. Louise and Chris I notice more outwardly. Matt perhaps less obviously. While I can comfortably accept the inevitability of my own demise I thoroughly resent what it puts these guys through.
I am frustrated to be dying early. But not afraid of it. I’m a little nervous about the dying process. Pain offset by drugs doesn’t really seem like fun. But the actual exit – that is an inevitability of living that I can handle. I’d just rather not do it yet.
But God? There’s still a bit of me that wants to believe. But I can’t find the genuine faith for that belief to happen.