This is very much a mindset I’ve been keen to avoid. I want to feel an air of positivity about my days even if sooner or later this illness will finish me off.
Today I failed. I can’t described my right leg problem as agonising. But it does hurt a little. I can’t twist round on it, needing to perform a 180 degree walk if I wish to change direction. I can’t even pinpoint the source. It’s around my waist. In my back. In my thigh. All of these. None of these. Getting off the bed takes an age again. Sitting up hurts. So does lying down. Not agonising, just little pockets of pain interfering with my life.
My plan today was drive to the podiatrist and pop into the doctor’s surgery to fill out a repeat prescription form. Important because I’m rapidly running out of the naproxen I bought in Walmart. Important because I’ve discovered amitriptyline is a brilliant painkiller and sedative for one type of occasional pain that hits through my bones.
In one of those driving trances, I found myself at home having left Mr Podiatrist. No recollection of my journey. No recollection of pedestrians cursing me. Must the realisation that I was home and hadn’t done the rather important repeat prescription request.
And I couldn’t be bothered going back to do it.
Its not a complete disaster. I can do it tomorrow and collect my drugs on Friday. But the sobering thought went through my head of how many people with severe medical conditions lose the will to act in their own best interests. Give up and suffer more severe pain as a result.
I gave up today. It’s an act that bothers me greatly, It’s only a small thing and it’s fixable. But it is a sign that my mindset is letting me down a little right now. I’m not happy about it.