Almost a year ago I used these pages to discuss what I called “The God Question”.

My status as an agnostic unwavering in the face of terminal lung cancer.  Or rather not ruffled enough to make me an outright non-believer.

As the months have passed I think it’s fair to say that view hasn’t changed.  I can no more prove the existence of a supreme being than disprove it.

As each drug has failed I’ve not exactly been enamoured to the possibility of meeting a maker I’m not sure exists.  Perhaps those of faith would argue that those drugs gave me opportunity to experience so much.  But equally, I could argue back, others on the planet without access to those drugs haven’t exactly been given the support of a loving God.

I did lie alone in bed one night soon after I’d been diagnosed and asked somebody out there to make my relationship with Rachel a special one.  The positive response to that request certainly supports the element of doubt an agnostic proclaims.  But we are so well matched I suspect what happened between us would have happened anyway.

The disease has hit my family hard.  Louise and Chris I notice more outwardly.  Matt perhaps less obviously.  While I can comfortably accept the inevitability of my own demise I thoroughly resent what it puts these guys through.

I am frustrated to be dying early.  But not afraid of it.  I’m a little nervous about the dying process.  Pain offset by drugs doesn’t really seem like fun.  But the actual exit – that is an inevitability of living that I can handle.  I’d just rather not do it yet.

But God?  There’s still a bit of me that wants to believe.  But I can’t find the genuine faith for that belief to happen.

A Year of Blogging

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